Medical Necessity...

I went to dinner with an old friend last night and met his new fiancé.  She's in pharmaceutical sales, specializing in pain management through Botox.

"Botox relieves migraine pain?" I asked.

"Absolutely"

"Where do they put it?"

"In the areas patients feel strong pain.  Most is injected around the eyes, the forehead, and the neck" she said while demonstrating, "If you suffer from migraines, you should consider the treatment.  It's extremely effective and covered by insurance."

"Insurance covers Botox?!?!" I asked, growing excited... even though I don't suffer from migraines.

"For migraine pain management, yes.  You should also consider medical marijuana.  Studies show positive results in pain management" she said seriously.


Dear Primary Care Physician,

I've suddenly been afflicted with intense migraines.......



 

I'm Suffering from PTSD...

You know what they don't tell you about getting rear-ended in an auto accident?  You will forever jump when slowing.  I cringe at stop lights.  I cringe in traffic.  Heck, I cringe when I push my grocery cart through the checkout line.

I am now consumed with 'prepping' myself for an accident.  I go to the bathroom before I leave.  I wear comfortable shoes.

And then I realized...

I must reduce my reliance on Spanx.

I can just imagine my embarrassment, "Mam, first off, you're OK.  You've been involved in an auto accident, but it took three paramedics and a pair of industrial clippers to remove these odd flesh colored shorts."

I put on my skirt suit this morning, turned around in the mirror...

and decided a good looking butt is worth a little embarrassment in the event of a collision.

And I've decided, in an accident, my Spanx could double as a tourniquet.  Headlines... "Woman saved by body shaper.  Femoral artery severed but accident victim remained alive for 10 hours before help could arrive thanks to shape-wear 4 sizes too small. Doctors remain uncertain how woman squeezed into them in the first place."

I mean, sure, I could work out.  I could also be a movie star.  I could be the next president.  I could catch a ride to Mars.  I could....

All The Time In The World...

My husband and I are beach camping this week.  This is our 5th summer here and we've finally got it down to a science.  We have a laminated packing list and each year is pretty much the same... well.. except that we have a kid this year.

The night before we left, I was frantically downloading books onto my Kindle.  I usually read no less than 6.  My record standing at 11.

Five days in and...

I'm just about halfway through the acknowledgements page in book #1.

What I didn't anticipate?  My 14 month old would rather spend every second playing in the sand and playing with the other camp children than inside a cool air conditioned travel trailer with all his toys.

Rookie move.

Oh well. There's always next year.  He'll be 2 and...

Hmm.

I'm guessing it won't happen then either.

Looks like my relaxing with a spritzer, book reading days are over.

About Your Car...

I grabbed my cell phone quickly as it vibrated across my desk last week.  "Hello?"

"Hi!  This is Allison from the Collision Center.  We've got some bad news about your car.  Um.  The piece we ordered.  Um.  Didn't fit."

I said nothing.

"Uh.  We need to order another bumper from the dealer and, uh, it could take a few days."

I could hear her cringing, waiting for me to yell.  "Look.  Normally, I'm quite the laid back gal but I'm driving the ugliest blue beast of a rental car and I'm a bit desperate to get out of it."

"Sorry... but I think we could have you back in your vehicle by next Wednesday." she said.

I dialed the rental car agency.

"Wuz up!  This is Kyle."

Glad to see professionalism isn't dead.

"Hey Kyle.  This is Rebekah.  I'm the one driving the 'sassy' blue Nissan Versa."

I heard Kyle snicker.

"Any chance I could do a switch?  Maybe upgrade to something larger?" I asked.

"I've got a rockin' minivan but that's about it.  'Member?  Still a holiday weekend. Oh. And the minivan upgrade?  Totally not covered by the other dude's insurance."

I'd like to punch Kyle.

Looks like another week with the blue beast.

Rental Woes...

After 900 or so hours working with the insurance company of the guy who hit me, they finally resolved to fix my vehicle and provide a rental car.

I dropped my car off at the collision center and walked to the rental car agency.  47 pages of paperwork later (glad to see this isn't a hassle at all....), they escorted me to the rental car.

"Here you go!" he said, turning to hand me my keys.

I took a slow look hood to tailpipe over the horrifically ugly car and gave the guy a blank stare.

"Sassy!" he said.

"By your description of 'sassy', I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've had to defend the looks of this beast?"

"It's a holiday weekend in one of the most desirable vacation cities in the US."

I glared.

Not only is it a Nissan (ugliest cars ever created) it's a Versa, which rates mere millimeters behind the Juke,... in electric blue...hatchback.  Every time I rev the engine and the sun shines on that sparkly blue paint, I sink a little lower and push my sunglasses a little higher.

I miss my car.

My Husband is Cheating...

The last week has been rough.  Baby Cash has a cold, is cutting three teeth - two of them molars, has a horrible skin rash, and has an ear infection.  While we do our best to keep him comfortable, he still cries a lot and is up most of the night.

There is no rest in this house.

Or that's what I thought.

Chris is like most men.  He takes his time in the restroom.  I've become accustomed to 5, 10 minutes tops, especially if he has a handyman magazine, but his trips this week have seemed a bit longer.

I thought it was me.  When you are miserable, everything seems to take longer.  But then I  saw him slipping his cell phone into his pocket on the way down the hall.  "Got to go take care of business!" he said as the bathroom door shut and the lock clicked.

5  minutes ticked by.

10.

15.

Cash moaned as I placed a cool towel on his back.

"Are you OK?" I yelled to the door.

"Huh? Oh. Yup." he said.

Suspicious, I picked up my phone, clicked open a page then yelled, "ARE YOU UPDATING YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS!!!???!!"

Silence.

I imagined him laying in the empty tub, inflatable pillow under his head as he set a new record on Angry Birds and 'liked' photos of far away places.

I paused and remembered, poor guy works two jobs then comes home to help with a sick kid.  He deserves a break now and then.

So I'll keep my mouth shut... but all bets are off if he gets more stars than me on the new Angry Birds Seasons - Back to School Edition.

Panel of Crazy...

Chris and I had our meeting with the attorney to put together our trust.  I thought it would be a simple process - placing our assets into a bucket.

Hold on just a sec.

Sorry.  I had to contain my laughter at the word 'asset'.

As it turns out, trusts involve more than property disbursement.  You have to set up executors, trustees, a springing power of attorney, etc.  It would take too long to explain why, but you have to choose a panel of three people to determine your mental competency.

"Obviously Chris would be on the panel..." the attorney said while writing on his yellow legal pad, "I need two more names.  Would you like to chose members of your family?" he asked.

"My family would declare me incompetent before the ink on the trust dried."

"You husband's family?"

Chris and I started laughing... hysterically.

"Oooook.  We'll come back to that" he said while making deep scratch marks across the paper.  "Who would you like to make your medical decisions in the event you become incapacitated?  This is literally the person who chooses to pull the plug."

I looked at Chris, a grin spreading across his face, "Well, Chris gets a million if I die so he'd be a little too motivated.  My sister is really frugal.  She'd pull the plug to save electricity.  Hmmm.  I guess I'll list my brother.  He's indifferent and that's as close to liking me as they come."

"In the event of a catastrophic loss, meaning, you, Chris, and baby boy die at the same time, who would you like to inherit your life insurance policies and retirement accounts?" he asked.

"We have 19 people in our immediate families.  No matter who we chose, someone will be mad.  Can we just make them all play a game of rock paper scissors?" I asked.

"Best three out of five?"  He said writing down the directive.

"Fantastic."

Overall, the meeting went well - though I am slightly concerned about some of my choices.  If I end up in a mental institution or... dead... and Chris buys a new truck, I picked the wrong people.

Oops.