A Ride on the Short Bus...

I get e-mails every day from the ‘What to Expect’ website. I signed up while pregnant to see the weekly progress of the baby development but didn’t realize this service would extend past the birth. At first, this seemed like a great idea. I could see what to expect my child to be doing, important milestones, etc.

Seemed.

Seemed like a good idea.

It ISN’T a good idea.

Now all I’m concerned with is how SLOW my kid is. The actual website says my kid is right on track, the other mother’s on the message boards? They have me feeling as though I should make my kid wear a helmet, apply for state aid for his disabilities, and research special needs schools.

“My kid is walking!”

“My son is reading!”

“My daughter can recite the alphabet!”

“My son is looking into colleges!”

Meanwhile, my kid is still working on not choking on his own spit.

I’d like to reach through the computer and punch those moms.

Today, I received an article titled, ‘Is My Baby Gifted?’ outlining 6 signs to look for to determine whether or not your kid is a genius. “Maybe my kid is!” I thought. “Maybe all those other mothers are nuts!”

Ummmm…

Is My Baby Gifted?

Wonder if your baby is a budding genius? Here are six signs to look for.

Is he always ahead of the game? Does he do everything early, meeting developmental milestones well before his peers? Does he have a very good memory?

Well… his memory isn’t truly great. He’ll start crying then suddenly stop and look around confused as if he forgot the reason he started crying in the first place. I have no idea where he got that from. I never go into the kitchen and, oh hey, scissors! I need to cut the box open in the dining room. Wait. Why am I in the kitchen?

Is he a good problem-solver? Gifted babies may show off their creativity and originality by tackling a challenge in a surprising way.

He realized he needs both hands to crawl. When he wants to get somewhere and take a toy with him, he puts it in his mouth and crawls there… but then again, my dog does that too.

Does he make connections? Can he take knowledge he's learned in one situation and apply it to another?

My son figured out how to blow snot bubbles and laughs hysterically when he farts. Genius? Probably not. But my husband thinks it’s a great party trick.

Does he have trouble sleeping? In a gifted baby, this could mean he has a hard time dialing down on the stimulation so he can get some z's.

Baby boy has NO problems sleeping… but I do. Does that count?!?

If your baby does show many of these signs, he may well be gifted.

Great. The message boards will be all aflutter about all the future geniuses. At least Cash is really, really good looking. When brains fail, at least looks can pull you through. I mean really, does anyone listen when Brad Pitt talks?