Saturday, August 31, 2013


The high heat forced me to take Cash to an indoor gym yesterday.  He loved it, burning gobs of energy on bouncy houses and jungle gyms.  On one side was a concrete skateboard ramp.  Huge signs hung on the wall 'HELMETS REQUIRED'.  I looked at the helmets, then at the kids sporting them.

Potential for head lice?  Pretty good.

As Cash grabbed a toddler bike and headed toward the hill, I debated internally.  Deal with a few days of meds and intense cleaning or a concussion leading to a lifetime of reduced judgement, balance, and memory.

Thankfully he didn't fall.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Five Year Plan...

Every year or so, Chris and I discuss our 5 year plan.  Where do we see our jobs, our family, and our finances going in 5 years.

We decided that one of us needs to be home with the kids in 2 years or less.  Chris paused, stared into the distance, smiled, swirled his beer in his glass and said, "I'd be willing to stay home with the kids if you want to work"

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah.  I know how much you like working and how driven you are.  My construction work is more flexible anyway.  I can jump in and out anytime I want"  he said, patting my hand.

"Honey, that's really swee.." I started to say before he interrupted, "Plus, your brother is having that pool put in by the summer and I think I can figure out how to squeeze both kids into the Baby Bjorn so I can play golf."

He's. Not. Joking.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Wanted: A Guatemalan...

I'm heading back to work in 4 weeks so Chris and I are searching for a nanny for our boys.

We are looking for someone not too old, not too young, not too fat, not too thin, not too pretty (well, that's my requirement anyway), who doesn't demand lots of money to stay with us.  The only reason Chris and I have stayed in a committed marriage for as long as we have is because dating sucks.  Now here we are, holding large glasses of therapeutic wine, staring at a computer screen, searching hundreds of women's profiles hoping to find someone to love us and our kids.  This is so much worse than dating.

I think it would be easier to find a sister wife than a good nanny.  Unfortunately Chris says his hands are full dealing with me and can't imagine 'adding more estrogen' to the household.  Thanks?

Whenever I find the seemingly perfect woman, she's snatched up by another family or is too far out of my price range for consideration.  This has resulted in lots and lots of crying.


Which may be the reason behind the estrogen comment.

We know a family who found a wonderful Guatemalan whose legal status is a little fuzzy. For 1200 a month, she takes care of the kids, does light housekeeping, and has dinner started by the time they get home.  I've changed my stance on illegal immigration.

Fortunately my sister is considering stepping in to save the day.  She hasn't fully committed yet but I think that's mostly because I've been a little vague on the whole 'compensation' issue.  Turns out, aunties won't work for hugs.  Especially not hugs from my 2 year old who enjoys using his own excrement as finger paint.

Excuse me.  I need more therapeutic wine...and possibly a Guatemalan.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Bleep it!!

Cash has been doing a great job letting me know when he has to use the restroom.  The other night, while I was eating dinner and nursing Declan, Cash rushed to me saying, "Poo poo mommy!" and ran toward the bathroom.

I hurriedly set everything down, rested Declan on the sofa, and ran to the bathroom.  Unfortunately, I didn't make it.

 Frustrated with myself for not being quick enough, I slipped and said, "Aw damn it!"

Cash looked down at the mess at repeated, "Aw damn it!"

The kid can't say his own name clearly, calls my parents 'ama' and 'apa', but can say 'damn it' with perfect clarity.


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I Spent $104,000 for This?

Chris watched the Justin Timberlake video, Mirrors, and told me to take a look.  "It's really moving" he said.

I watched it.  An old dude. An old chick. Some young dudes. Young chicks.  Runny mascara.

Chris started talking about symbolism and it representing turbulent and joyous times and passing on a legacy.

"You spent a ton on film school, I'm sure you understand this better than me. What did you think about it?" he asked.

I said I had to use the restroom and quickly Googled, 'meaning of justin timberlake mirrors video'

Coincidentally, that's exactly how I graduated film school...

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Tic Tac Child Abuse...

On Sunday, Cash pointed at the toilet and asked to use it.  Chris set him on the seat, and Cash promptly pooped.  Thoroughly ecstatic at the thought we could be lazy parents and still have a potty trained child, Chris gave Cash a fruit Tic Tac as a reward.

Cash immediately ran back to the toilet and tried to poop again.

And tried.

And tried.

His face turning bright red from exertion.

"All done bud." Chris said as he pulled him from the seat.

Cash started to cry, holding onto the toilet, screaming, "CANDY CANDY CANDY!!"

Since then, Cash asks to get onto the toilet at least 50 times a day.

I going have the only 2 year old with hemorrhoids.