Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
But what I’m most afraid of at this moment are my friends.
I’m afraid they will turn Chris in to the authorities for spousal abuse.
Although he has never hit me, my stories of injuries seem so unbelievable that people are starting to look at Chris and wonder if maybe I’m lying and he’s a closet abuser.
I can just imagine the conversation with the investigating officer…
‘Mam, we’ve had several reports about your recent injuries. Do you mind if we have a short discussion?’
‘Would you please explain what happened to your face? Where did that scar come from?’
‘I fell off my bed.’
‘How old are you?’
‘Ooooook. I didn’t know grown adults fell out of bed.’ He’d say as he furiously scribbled on his report. ‘What happened to your arm?’
‘I thought I had somehow picked up a skin eating disease at the recycling center until a week ago when I went to Target and was reaching for some frozen foods on the top shelf. I’m short so I had to rest my arm on the frozen metal and noticed the matching pattern on my arm. I literally got waffle patterned frost bite while shopping for TV dinners – but hey, it’s better than a skin eating disease right?!?!’
‘You got a frost bite scar on your arm? I didn’t know that was possible.’ He’d say – totally doubting me.
‘It is. If you look closely, the darker part of the burn says “property of Target Stores”.’ I’d say while showing him my cool new scar.
‘I see you are walking with a limp. What happened to your foot?’
‘I ran it over with my office chair… while I was still in it.’
‘How did you do that?’
‘I actually don’t know. I’m hoping the nail won’t fall off.’ I’d say while showing him my toenail.
‘Where did the black and blue welt come from on the back of your leg?’ He’d say pointing to the 4” x 5” mark on my thigh.
‘I fell off the bed again.’ I’d say sheepishly.
‘Yeah, I was trying to jump over it but my legs are too short and I hit the footboard with my thigh. I crumpled like a cheap Dixie cup and fell to the floor – which is where this other bruise on my calf came from.’
‘Why is your thumb bandaged?’ He’d ask doubting me more and more.
‘I was cutting my cuticles while watching a particularly fascinating episode of Judge Judy and cut into my thumb after she screamed “You’re a liar!” to a plaintiff a little too loudly. I’m hoping that nail won’t fall off either.’ I’d say while rubbing my sore thumb.
‘Mam, could you please tell me the amount of time that passed between your first injury and your last one.’
‘Not counting the face incident…two weeks.’
That’s when they’d arrest Chris. All the while I’d have to scream, ‘BUT I’M CLUMSY!!’
On second thought, if an officer comes to my door, I’m just going to tell him I fell off my bike.
The truth just isn’t believable.
I’m wondering if I can sell my arm to Target for advertising space.
Oh, and on a side note…
I started another culinary class late night – CHOCOLATE CLASS.
I’ve already begun to save coupons for plus size apparel. I’m probably going to need them.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I came into work yesterday morning to discover my desk had been completely overrun by ants. I feigned utter confusion at their presence when asked by co-workers but… um... yeah… perhaps it’s because I eat two meals a day at my desk – plus snacks… and I snack a lot…despite what I tell my doctor.
The ants attacked my keyboard and continually popped up their heads when I typed. It was like I was playing a terrifically awful office version of Whack-A-Mole.
Needless to say, after 9 hours of dealing with a million of the 1/16” demons, I wasn’t exactly in the best of moods. THEN, I arrived on campus only to discover they had shut down the largest parking lot for ‘improvements’. Cars were swirling around looking for spaces like flies on a rotting carcass. What was previously a lot ribbed with open parking spaces was now a lot stuffed with maggots *cough* I mean cars (told you I was in a bad mood).
I circled for 15 minutes before I finally found a spot. It doesn’t seem long until you remember gas is 5 bucks a gallon and that 15 minutes translates to roughly $47.50.
I settled myself in class and sat in my usual chair furthest from the instructor. I failed to notice that this chair was also nearest to the classroom next door and a mere paper thin sheet of wood was the only thing that separated me from them. As soon as class began I realized I couldn’t hear my own instructor nearly as much as I could hear the lady loudly teaching French a few feet from my seat.
This wouldn’t be so bad if my concentration were more than that of an infant… and an infant monkey at that.
By the end of the semester I may not be any better at creative non-fiction writing but I will surely be able to give directions to the Louvre in perfect French.
The teacher had us complete info cards about ourselves and threatened to make us *cough* I mean, ‘asked’ us to share our info with the class. Unfortunately I learned I’ve picked up yet another nervous twitch in my public speaking abilities. When speaking in front of my peers – along with my already fabulous ability to turn bright red - my language patterns have started to closely resemble Yoda.
‘Rebekah. My name is.’
I think there are some Star Wars fans in the class because a few people seemed to actually understand what I was saying.
Going to be a great year this is.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Do we have more moving parts or something?
All this week, in preparation for my doctor’s usual litany of questions, I was very careful about my actions.
She usually asks if I’ve been exercising…
I worked out three days this week just so I could tell her yes… never mind the fact that I missed the last three weeks solid. Plus, I was hoping that divine intervention would make those three days lower my blood pressure and somehow lop off 10 pounds.
Eh. Not so much.
Alas, I’ve gained 3 pounds since last year.
Then she follows it with questions about alcohol…
I haven’t had any wine since last Saturday just so I could say, ‘It’s been a while’.
Then she ends with questions about my diet…
Sure I ate two been, cheese, and guacamole tostadas on Tuesday (I picked off the lettuce and tomato – eww) but I counted Thursday’s Lean Cuisine pepperoni pizza as ‘healthy’. Hmm.. Maybe that’s where those 3 new pounds came from.
Anyway… I’m sitting in my cute paper outfit – very well prepared for the verbal drill and then…
‘Boy it’s been hot lately. Our air conditioner broke and my kids are dying! Don’t you just hate this weather?’
‘Yes, I’ve been exercising… wait what?!?’
Yeah. That’s right.
Not one question.
And we had steak and potatoes last night. Chris pulled out an amazing bottle of V. Sattui Syrah with an incredible bouquet/aroma and I held back because nooooo, I had to see the doctor today.
Next time, I’m pouring a glass.
And I worked out?!?!?
And I ate a LEAN CUISINE?!?!?
What a waste.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Thank you for your correspondence to me dated August 16, 2008. In this letter, you stated that Governor Schwarzenegger declared a Level 1 Drought for the state of California. In response to his declaration, you sent out a list of mandatory water use efficiency measures that we as Southern California Residents must abide by. If we do not abide by these new efficiency measures, we will be fined. I would just like you to know, point by point of course, that I am in full compliance of these rules and in no way should be penalized.
1.) Stop washing down paved surfaces, including but not limited to sidewalks, driveways, parking lots, tennis courts, or patios.
Well darn, I was going to have the hired help go wash down my tennis courts but...
2.) Stop water waste resulting from inefficient landscape irrigation.
No worries. Watering - correctly or incorrectly - would totally ruin the daily ticket sales of my reinactment of the 1930's Great Dust Bowl I have in my yard.
3.) Irrigate residential and commercial landscape before 10 a.m. and after 6 p.m. only.
My yard could and should be considered holy ground as God is the only one who waters it - but you may want to send Him a copy of your letter, He frequently waters between 10am and 6pm.
4.) Use a hand-held hose equipped with a positive shut-off nozzle or bucket to water landscaped areas.
Landscaped areas. In my yard. Now that’s funny. My landscaped areas are right next to the live unicorns, fairies, and pixie dust.
5.) Irrigate nursery and commercial grower’s products before 10am and after 6pm only.
Nursery? What is this fantasy land you speak of where plants are alive...
6.) Use re-circulated water to operate ornamental fountains.
Contact me in 40 years… when I’m a senior citizen and a fountain would be an appropriate ornamental item for my yard. I live in East County, where the lawn ‘ornaments’ are cars… on blocks… coated with 10 years of dust… most of which is from my yard. Um. Sorry neighbors.
7.) Wash vehicles using a bucket and hand-held hose with positive shut-off nozzle. Avoid washing during hot conditions when additional water is required due to evaporation.
Who are you kidding?!?! Do I look like a person who performs manual labor? And in the heat? Riiiight.
8.) Serve and refill water in restaurants and other food service establishments only upon request.
Is that why servers neglect my empty water glass? It’s not bad service anymore… it’s ‘conservation’.
9.) Offer guests in hotels, motels, and other commercial lodging establishments the options of not laundering towels and linens daily.
I’ve been to a few seedy hotels that didn’t launder the sheets between guests, much less launder each day.
I know. Classy right? That’s how I roll.
10.) Repair all water leaks within (5) days.
I married to a plumber. Leaks are fixed before the first drop hits the sink. It’s his super power.
I hope we are all clear on the situation and my full obedience to it. You don’t need to thank me; I’m just being the best Californian I can be.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
To help you understand, I drew a picture like the one on TV. Please remember, I don’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for a design company so my technical and drawing skills aren’t exactly the same as the people from NBC. But they are close...um... for stick people.
Sorry, I didn’t intend to make him look like a monkey.
I really feel as though we are all called to use our bodies to the best of our abilities. Soo… I did a drawing of my own body in an effort to discover my true calling.
As I’ve said before, my leg/arm to abdominal ratio closely resembles a Welsh Corgie…
But what I don’t often mention is my GI-NORMOUS ribcage. I could gain 300 pounds and still have protruding ribs.
Here’s what I came up with…
My legs and arms prevent me from being a real contender in running, swimming, or jumping so that leaves the following Olympic sports…
OK. What other things could my oddly shaped body be good at? Here’s what I came up with:
1 – Bearing children.
2 – Competitive eating
3 – Playing an anorexic or a zombie or an anorexic zombie a movie.
Chris vetoed child bearing.
I called my peeps at Warner Bros and they said my whole body would need to be thin... not just my ribs... to play an anorexic - plus they have plenty of real anorexics to choose from in Hollywood.
And they said they are using computer graphics for zombies these days – anorexic or otherwise.
I guess that only leaves one option….
I’m calling Hostess and Little Debbie to ask them if they’d be interested in supporting the next big thing in competitive eating.
Hilberto’s here I come!
Monday, August 18, 2008
We’ve had a plan to go wine tasting for the last few months and Mike called Casey the night before to tell her he was being shipped off to fight a fire. He encouraged her to go without him and go with her friends.
We went wine tasting and then to dinner where Mike surprised her by delivering a bottle of wine with a ring tied around the bottleneck.
Needless to say…
We took just a few pictures… or 332. I was a little trigger happy.
And on the knee he goes.
She said yes!!
Chris almost blew the secret. He's still defending himself.
The bottle said, 'Casey, will you marry me?'
The new family!