Thursday, August 28, 2008

But officer, he’s not abusive… I’m clumsy!…and that's not a lie!

I’m afraid of a lot of things: Spiders, heights, people with knives, getting caught on a desert island with no sun block, the grocery store selling out of Clorox wipes…

But what I’m most afraid of at this moment are my friends.

How? Well…

I’m afraid they will turn Chris in to the authorities for spousal abuse.

Although he has never hit me, my stories of injuries seem so unbelievable that people are starting to look at Chris and wonder if maybe I’m lying and he’s a closet abuser.

I can just imagine the conversation with the investigating officer…

‘Mam, we’ve had several reports about your recent injuries. Do you mind if we have a short discussion?’


‘Would you please explain what happened to your face? Where did that scar come from?’

‘I fell off my bed.’

‘How old are you?’


‘Ooooook. I didn’t know grown adults fell out of bed.’ He’d say as he furiously scribbled on his report. ‘What happened to your arm?’

‘I thought I had somehow picked up a skin eating disease at the recycling center until a week ago when I went to Target and was reaching for some frozen foods on the top shelf. I’m short so I had to rest my arm on the frozen metal and noticed the matching pattern on my arm. I literally got waffle patterned frost bite while shopping for TV dinners – but hey, it’s better than a skin eating disease right?!?!’

‘You got a frost bite scar on your arm? I didn’t know that was possible.’ He’d say – totally doubting me.

‘It is. If you look closely, the darker part of the burn says “property of Target Stores”.’ I’d say while showing him my cool new scar.

‘I see you are walking with a limp. What happened to your foot?’

‘I ran it over with my office chair… while I was still in it.’

‘How did you do that?’

‘I actually don’t know. I’m hoping the nail won’t fall off.’ I’d say while showing him my toenail.

‘Where did the black and blue welt come from on the back of your leg?’ He’d say pointing to the 4” x 5” mark on my thigh.

‘I fell off the bed again.’ I’d say sheepishly.


‘Yeah, I was trying to jump over it but my legs are too short and I hit the footboard with my thigh. I crumpled like a cheap Dixie cup and fell to the floor – which is where this other bruise on my calf came from.’

‘Why is your thumb bandaged?’ He’d ask doubting me more and more.

‘I was cutting my cuticles while watching a particularly fascinating episode of Judge Judy and cut into my thumb after she screamed “You’re a liar!” to a plaintiff a little too loudly. I’m hoping that nail won’t fall off either.’ I’d say while rubbing my sore thumb.

‘Mam, could you please tell me the amount of time that passed between your first injury and your last one.’

‘Not counting the face incident…two weeks.’

That’s when they’d arrest Chris. All the while I’d have to scream, ‘BUT I’M CLUMSY!!’

On second thought, if an officer comes to my door, I’m just going to tell him I fell off my bike.

The truth just isn’t believable.

I’m wondering if I can sell my arm to Target for advertising space.

Oh, and on a side note…

I started another culinary class late night – CHOCOLATE CLASS.

I’ve already begun to save coupons for plus size apparel. I’m probably going to need them.


Ashmystir said...

LOL! Do we need to put you in a bubble wrap? That is crazy! You tried to hurdle the footboard? I'm 4'10 and would be cut right in half (at the abs) if I tried that. Maybe you need a good running start! lol.

As far as cooking class goes? you better let someone else turn on the stove.


Nicole said...

The fact that you got a wound from reaching for too many frozen dinners is the first problem! The fact that your clumsy, is your own problem.........or it might be from all the times I sat on you:)

Vanessa said...

Perhaps you need to be a real life Charmin kid? ;-)

The cooking class, I'm totally envious! That sounds delicious!

missywhiskers said...

Ouch! Also, Hilarious!