Dear Water Company,
Thank you for your correspondence to me dated August 16, 2008. In this letter, you stated that Governor Schwarzenegger declared a Level 1 Drought for the state of California. In response to his declaration, you sent out a list of mandatory water use efficiency measures that we as Southern California Residents must abide by. If we do not abide by these new efficiency measures, we will be fined. I would just like you to know, point by point of course, that I am in full compliance of these rules and in no way should be penalized.
1.) Stop washing down paved surfaces, including but not limited to sidewalks, driveways, parking lots, tennis courts, or patios.
Well darn, I was going to have the hired help go wash down my tennis courts but...
2.) Stop water waste resulting from inefficient landscape irrigation.
No worries. Watering - correctly or incorrectly - would totally ruin the daily ticket sales of my reinactment of the 1930's Great Dust Bowl I have in my yard.
3.) Irrigate residential and commercial landscape before 10 a.m. and after 6 p.m. only.
My yard could and should be considered holy ground as God is the only one who waters it - but you may want to send Him a copy of your letter, He frequently waters between 10am and 6pm.
4.) Use a hand-held hose equipped with a positive shut-off nozzle or bucket to water landscaped areas.
Landscaped areas. In my yard. Now that’s funny. My landscaped areas are right next to the live unicorns, fairies, and pixie dust.
5.) Irrigate nursery and commercial grower’s products before 10am and after 6pm only.
Nursery? What is this fantasy land you speak of where plants are alive...
6.) Use re-circulated water to operate ornamental fountains.
Contact me in 40 years… when I’m a senior citizen and a fountain would be an appropriate ornamental item for my yard. I live in East County, where the lawn ‘ornaments’ are cars… on blocks… coated with 10 years of dust… most of which is from my yard. Um. Sorry neighbors.
7.) Wash vehicles using a bucket and hand-held hose with positive shut-off nozzle. Avoid washing during hot conditions when additional water is required due to evaporation.
Who are you kidding?!?! Do I look like a person who performs manual labor? And in the heat? Riiiight.
8.) Serve and refill water in restaurants and other food service establishments only upon request.
Is that why servers neglect my empty water glass? It’s not bad service anymore… it’s ‘conservation’.
9.) Offer guests in hotels, motels, and other commercial lodging establishments the options of not laundering towels and linens daily.
I’ve been to a few seedy hotels that didn’t launder the sheets between guests, much less launder each day.
I know. Classy right? That’s how I roll.
10.) Repair all water leaks within (5) days.
I married to a plumber. Leaks are fixed before the first drop hits the sink. It’s his super power.
I hope we are all clear on the situation and my full obedience to it. You don’t need to thank me; I’m just being the best Californian I can be.