Sunday, September 22, 2013

Breaking and Entering...

Most days, when I empty our trash into the large bins in the front yard, I let Cash accompany me.  I was packing for our camping trip and hadn't gotten around to dress him (or me) and he was shoeless so I decided to leave him inside.  I closed the security screen door behind me saying, "Stay there bub.  Mommy's going to be right back."  I could hear him angrily pounding on the metal door behind me as I tossed the bag into the large bin.

I hurried across my yard, praying none of the neighbors would see my braless nightdress and flip flop combo.  Safely under the porch, I grasped the door handle on the security door and twisted..  and tried to twist again.

Cash had successfully locked me out.

At first, I leaned in, unable to see through the security door, and whispered through the tiny holes, "Hey bub, can you unlock the door for mamma?"

Silence.  Was he even there?

"Buddy?  Mamma needs back inside" I said a little louder.

"Hi Mommy!" I hear him say loudly on the other side of the door.

"Sweetie?  Can you try to twist the lock for mommy?  Pretty please?" I beg.

I hear his chubby fingers play with the door handle "I done no mommy" (I don't know mommy).  He makes another attempt to twist the door and I hear his feet start to walk away.

"Cash buddy, you need to come back right now bub" I try.

His feet pause, then I hear his foot steps as he starts to walk away.

Our street is a hub for morning walkers.  Not a high traffic area, wide sidewalks, safe.  I see a man approaching a little ways away, "CASH IF YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE TO OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW, I WILL END YOU!!!" I say as quietly and somehow as loudly as possible through gritted teeth into the metal door and then look to the man with his dog to smile and wave, careful to not expose my bralessness.  

I hear Cash's feet come back to the door and then hear the slow creak of our heavy wood front door.


Door slams.


Negotiations are over.

I never leave doors or windows open but there happened (thankfully) to be a wonderful breeze that morning and I remembered I had opened the kitchen window when I woke up.

Now all that was left was to scale a 6 foot fence... in a dress... in flip flops... with no bra... and try not to get caught by the neighbors.

I drag the chair from our front porch over to the fence and attempt to lift myself up 'push up' style like in all the movies.

Apparently I need to do A LOT more push ups.

I throw my leg awkwardly over the fence and shimmy on top of the wall.  Resting for a moment to catch my breath on the ledge, the dogs run over and start barking viciously, like I'm not the one who FEEDS them EVERY DAY!!

I half jump (mostly fall) off the top of the fence onto the concrete dog pad and ungracefully climb into the kitchen window (because I've been SO graceful up to that point).  I angrily march into the living room where Cash is smiling, watching Curious George, eating licorice.

I think he planned the whole thing.

Not sure I'm going to survive the terrible two's with this one...


Deborah Hays said...

I couldn't stop laughing!!! Isn't he just the cutest? Have I said before, WELCOME to parenthood! You have so many more kodak memories to go is bliss watching your kids with their kids. I actually think that that is the best part of being the grandparent. The ball or should I say kid, is in your court now. Tee hee. Love you, mom

TheFitnessFreak said...

And this post is why I carry my keys with me every time I walk out the front door.