Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tahoe Ta-Sucked..

So.. I went to Lake Tahoe. Before you start to develop a stab of jealousy, let me clarify… I went to Tahoe for a family reunion… not my family. Yeah. Rips the fun right out of a vacation huh?

Chris and I drove up with two of his brothers. His brothers are total sweethearts but… they are also the gassiest people I know. One of them seriously had it bad and was sharing it with us every 20 minutes with the regularity of a metronome.

After 12 HOURS, I was green.

We finally arrived in Tahoe and I nearly rejoiced at the open spaces, the beautiful trees, the gorgeous house… and then we opened the front door and the *excuse me* crap hit the fan. So much so, I was almost willing to jump back into the car with glutious-gassymous and drive home.

I like people - sparingly. I do not like lots of people in cramped spaces. I REALLY do not like 22 people in a 4 bedroom 1,600 square foot house.

I guess I could have overcome the intense bouts of claustrophobia and the attacks of OCD caused by the disarray of the house but... do you remember the movie ‘Problem Child’? I could never get myself to believe the possibility that children could be so easily confused as the spawns of Satan.

I believe now.

One of the kids continually ran around the house screaming… wait… roaring. She threw everything she could lift down the stairs and if it looked valuable, she broke it. Rather than control the brat, her mother disappeared for hours/days at a time.

I struggled to call the kid by her name but ‘Chuckie’ was ever at the tip of my tongue. It really didn’t help matters that her real name began with a ‘C’.

I tried to be a caring person and asked if she would like me to apply sunblock on her tender white skin but she screamed ‘NOOOOOOOOO!’ with such force, you’d have thought I’d just asked to touch her inappropriately. She burned like a lobster and I guess I should have felt bad but I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought that now she truly did resemble the mythical child of the devil.

Every time someone asked if anyone needed anything at the grocery store, I internally screamed, ‘AN EXORCIST AND A 55 GALLON DRUM OF HOLY WATER!’

*On a side note, I finally went to Safeway on my own but they were out of corn, buttermilk, and Catholic priests.

I got a rain check.

Chris and I went to see my brother James and his wife Stef for a day. Their two daughters redeemed the idea of ‘normal’ children for me. As they smothered Chris and me with hugs and love, I couldn’t help but think they were angels. I mean, sure they could have set my car on fire and danced on the ashes while telling me they hated me and kicking my ankles… and STILL come out smelling like roses compared to ‘Problem Chuckie’ but that’s totally beside the point.

Dude & Stef… thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you….

To be continued…

Tomorrow: The BTK killer and Tahoe.


Vanessa said...

Oh good lord, you really did need an intervention! Hopefully the weekend left no scars.

Nicole said...

Gee, that sounds like fun....not! Hey, at least you got to see James, Stef and the girls. I guess it was worth it in the end:)

Anonymous said...

And this is a perfect example of why lions eat there young!


Btrony said...

the comment about why lions eat their young cracks me up!! well just know that while you were having a horrible time.. i missed you terribly!

sewcreative said...

Mom here, I had the wonderful privilege of watching your little yappers while you were gone. Yup!! they still love to bark. It was like old home week with the two of them out back. They just pranced around here like they were king of the place and let any rabbit or squirrel know that they were in charge. Pretty funny. Just make sure that you get them well groomed before you take them home.....if you get my drift. :-)

Glad you're back. Love you, mom