Monkey What?!?

When I bought my bike, I glanced at the padded shorts that lined the bike shop walls and thought, ‘What kind of idiot wears those stupid ugly shorts?’

After riding 6 ½ miles and being unable to sit the following day…

I am going to become that kind of idiot.

Don’t feel bad for me. I was warned. My brother in law emphasized the importance of good biking shorts to prevent… ‘Monkey Butt’… but I laughed it off. COME ON! YOU WOULD TOO!

Sorry A.


Yesterday, I confidently walked into the shorts section of the bike shop and unabashedly groped every pair of bike shorts to find the absolute thickest padding. I settled on a pair of gel padded shorts and a pair of foam padded shorts.

Last night, I happily threw on the gel shorts then turned around to face the mirror… oh my.

What I failed to mention is the fact that the gel shorts have holes in the gel padding to provide a breathable surface. These holes create dozens of indentations across the back. Not only did I look like I was carrying a load in my shorts, it looked like I suffered from a severe case of cottage cheese butt.

I thought the point of cycling was to REDUCE the appearance of lumps and bumps on my butt!

Chris had a study buddy over last night. I hope he didn’t think it odd that I walked around backward with my hands ‘casually’ draped over my lower half. I’d rather he think I was odd than think I had an incontinence problem.

AND… after a 9 mile ride my bottom STILL HURT!

I came home and figured that next time; I’d just wear two pairs of shorts. I threw the foam padded pair over my poofy cottage cheese looking pair and…

Great. Now I look like I could star center stage in Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ video.

Oh, and if you see me walking today please don’t laugh. I’m trying to make this ‘OUCH!’, scoot, drag, way of walking look trendy.



Just please don’t ask me to sit down.